5 co-parenting tips for separated couples to foster a positive relationship with their children

Parenting, with all its trade-offs, becomes even more challenging if the couple is going through a separation. Stressful work life, clashing schedules, and different parenting styles are just a few of the problems a couple go through to ensure a nurturing environment for their children, regardless of their marital status. With an increase in the number of divorces, active discussions related to co-parenting have become essential. Adapting to this lifestyle of two independent lives knitting into one is exhausting, but before we tell you how to cope with it, let’s understand what co-parenting entails. 

What is Co-parenting?
Co-parenting refers to both parents taking shared responsibility to raise their children, regardless of the circumstances. Dr Nisha Khanna, a marriage and family counsellor, explains co-parenting as “parents' active involvement in raising their children by having open and honest discussions through the 3 Cs—
communication, collaboration, and compromise—to ensure the well-being of their children even after a divorce or separation”. In order to provide a supportive environment where the child can thrive, parents indulge in joint decision-making about aspects like health, education, values, and more, premised on communication and mutual respect to ensure the separation does not affect the interests of the children. 

Here are some co-parenting tips to foster a positive relationship with your children

Firstly, Heal yourself
Before fretting about co-parenting, try to heal from the pain. In a conversation with Sherene Aftab, a psychologist, she focused on the importance of “making peace with the past and moving on for the sake of the children. It is imperative to prioritise the future of your children rather than latching on to your past.” A hostile relationship with oneself and what transpired in one’s marriage can detrimentally impact collaboration with the ex-partner, and in turn, the children.

Put your love for the child before your hate for the parent
A go-to co-parenting mantra is forgiving and letting go of your ex-partner’s mistakes and communication styles to foster a positive relationship. It is pivotal to understand that the child’s overall development is of utmost importance. If one feels like the co-parent needs to make a few changes in their patterns, have a respectful conversation and understand their concerns.

Have consistent and effective communication
In Dr Aftab’s words, “While co-parenting, it is essential to communicate as a team with your partner and children. Keeping consistency while communicating is essential to avoid a distant relationship with your children.” Take interest in their routine, feelings, interests, and ambitions and initiate healthy discussions. When it comes to your ex-partner, try to work through any disagreement you might have with mutual respect. Dr Khanna further stated, “The most effective communication skill is putting the children's needs first by providing four Cs: choices, control, consistency and compassion.”

Choices: Provide children with options so they become learn to take accountability for whatever they say and do in life. 
Consistency: Be consistent and mindful of the words used by co-parents; the message to the child from both the parents should be consistent.
Compassion: Through practice, listening and understanding, co-parents convey to their children that they are separate from what they have done. Thus, Children will feel safe in a compassionate environment and more open to learning.

Never disrespect the co-parent in front of your child
This is one of the most important components to be mindful of while co-parenting. Experts ardently state that “bad-mouthing and disrespecting your partner can have a negative impact on the child's psyche and the child may develop mental health concerns like stress, anxiety, grief, depression, low self-esteem, loneliness, and behavioural and personality issues. If a co-parent keeps cribbing about the past and complaining about the ex or co-parent, it may make the child emotionally unstable and withdrawn, and the child may never come to a parent to discuss their issues.” Of course, it is natural to occasionally get furious because of your ex, but one needs to be mindful of such repercussions on the children and make sure intimate discussions occur in private spaces.

Seek co-parenting counselling 
It is only wise to seek help when entering an unknown territory. Dr Khanna suggests, “Seeking counselling is essential to ensure a better relationship with the ex-partner and the child by learning conflict resolution techniques and effective communications skills as the main aim is child's overall positive and healthy growth.” 

If you’re struggling to create a family calendar, see an expert who will act as a mediator and help you find balance amid the chaos.