The Real Reason You're Afraid to Commit to Your Relationship

Do you seem to flee when your parents enquire about your marriage or when your partner brings up your 'future together'? Well, believe it or not, you're probably afraid to commit. While commitment phobia is often considered to be a common feature of modern relationships today, it's actually much more than just that. It involves any kind of commitment, entailing fear and anxiety induced by making a promise or taking an important decision, not solely relationship-specific.

But all said and done, falling in love with a commitment phobic individual is a whole battle in itself, no short of a nightmare and one you probably don't want to fight.

'Relationships require investment to build a strong, secure, and trusting bond. When couples value and adapt to each other’s needs and overcome challenges as a team, it enhances the longevity of the relationship. It is the commitment to the partner and the relationship as a whole which shapes the overall partnership,' states Mimansa Singh Tanwar, Consultant Clinical Psychologist, Fortis, who frequently collaborates with myUpchar.

The problem however arises when one partner tends to feel overwhelmed with the idea of settling with an individual. 'While your partner is expressing intense feelings or discussing concrete plans about the future, you may find yourself feeling overly fearful and anxious, pondering over the changes you would need to undergo as the relationship progresses. You begin to withdraw emotionally, be evasive and less responsive, and even evade the subject. It is when you feel immense pressure from your partner to address the matter, feelings of being stuck or trapped in the relationship get triggered, causing you to put an end to things. As a result, your relationships are either short-lived or less-intense at the initial stage,' she adds.

So why are some people commitment phobic?

The Origins of Commitment Phobia:

1. A lack of commitment may stem from a skewed self concept that one shapes with regards to how they relate and perceive themselves. You may be harbouring feelings of low self-worth which are giving rise to the belief that you are unworthy of love, when that of course isn't the case.

2. Bad experiences in past romantic relationships may also make you fearful to engage in commitment. The feelings of hurt, anger, anguish, or resentment can affect your attachment patterns and the ability to relate with your partner at a deeper level.

3. Some may also feel incapable of fulfilling their partner's expectations and sharing responsibilities, resulting from one’s own internal conflicts, causing them to avoid closeness with their partner.

4. While you may be fully capable of loving and caring for your partner, the adjustment and accommodative choices and compromises one has to make in a relationship can trigger a fear of losing one's sense of individuality and freedom to exercise control over one’s own needs and goals.

5. Observing difficult relationships within close family members (such as a rough parent divorce) during your childhood can significantly influence your beliefs about relationships and how you approach them.

6. There may also be a loomingfear of abandonment or lack of trust in your partner, creating feelings of ambivalence towards the relationship as a whole.

All these factors play part in contributing to your inability to commit in a relationship. 'So, when you are able to recognise and acknowledge such signs in yourself, it is imperative that you communicate the same to your partner and make a conscious effort in conquering your fear. Else, seek professional help to address the issues and develop healthy belief systems to relate and navigate your way ahead in the relationship,' suggests Mimansa. No relationship is perfect, yet, through consistent efforts to align values and commitment goals with one another, you will be able to build a thriving, sustainable and healthy relationship.