Is it a good idea to tell your ex about your wedding or invite them?

In this eventful life of ours, consider yourself lucky if your first love is your last love and you are living your happily ever after with them. If not, there’s a good chance you’ll be conflicted in the weeks before getting married and wonder if you should call your ex to your wedding. It might only take you less than a minute to pick up the phone and give them the news and extend an invite to them. But there are a lot of things you need to consider and people you need to think about before you take this step, including yourself and your to-be spouse. So, tread carefully, say mental health professionals. 

Consider inviting them basis the dynamics of the past relationship, how things ended, and your current emotional space. 

The Pros

It provides closure: Communicating the news of your marriage to your ex provides an opportunity for closure, allowing both parties to acknowledge the end of a romantic relationship. By doing so, the person ensures that there are no hard feelings and it’s chapter closed for good. 

Maintaining amicability: If the break-up was on a good note, where both individuals have stayed friends afterward, inviting them could indicate respect and goodwill and contribute to positive mental health. It indicates the person is in a good mind space and is least worried or anxious about anything. 

Social support: If you and your ex were friends and/or they’ve been part of your life for a long time, and have provided social and emotional support at regular intervals, calling them might seem like a normal thing to do. 

The Cons

Think about the emotional turmoil it might cause: Inviting your ex might stir up old feelings and cause emotional turmoil, which may be a reason for distress and might rekindle certain feelings. It can only make things complicated and confusing. 

Unresolved issues: Speaking to your ex and inviting them to your wedding can be immensely problematic if you’re still holding on to feelings for them. The stress and anxiety to have them attend your big day will make you start second-guessing the relationship and may even give you cold feet. 

Your ex is your ex for a reason. Sending an invite to them makes them part of your present. What is the relevance? If there was no contact, why tell them? It shows you haven’t moved on. 

Comparisons and expectations: Having your ex at the wedding and being connected with them can lead you to compare them to your current partner which can be detrimental to your mental well-being and cause discomfort. When you date more than one person, you compare your experiences with the people you’ve been with to what you have in the current situation. It’s either that the present is better or not, and if the person feels the ex was better, calling them ruins a lot of things. 

How to go about deciding and acting on it

Always speak to your partner about it: Remember that it’s not just your big day. Your wedding is an equally important moment for your to-be spouse. If calling your ex makes them uncomfortable, you shouldn't. You don’t want to open a can of worms and have this argument on the biggest day of your life where they feel that you’re still hung up on your ex. This is why it’s always best to speak to them before taking this decision. Calling your ex may also draw unwanted attention from relatives and stir up certain issues. 

Replay the image to get clarity and think things through: Imagine them being there amid your friends, relatives, and partner, and think about how you feel. Your feelings and emotions will provide you the answer you’ve been looking for. When it comes to making this decision, it is extremely important to be mindful about your actions and realising its consequences. Reflect on your emotions, mental state, dynamics of your past relationships, and the impact that it will have on your current partner.

Think about what your ex will think: The world doesn’t revolve around your feelings alone. When it comes to informing your ex and inviting them to your wedding, ask yourself why you would want to remind the person who doesn’t want to be reminded about you and has avoided you all this while. You need to keep in mind what the other person will think and say. Put yourself in their shoes and see how it feels to receive the news. They might not even be interested in coming. 

Inviting your ex to your wedding can be a complex decision. On one hand, it might symbolise moving on from past relationships and fostering a sense of maturity and amicability and demonstrate a level of respect and acknowledgement of shared history. However, it could also introduce potential emotional complications, especially if there are unresolved feelings or if your current partner is uncomfortable with the idea. Prioritising open communication with your partner about your intentions and feelings is crucial in navigating such a situation. It's essential to ensure both you and your partner are comfortable and secure with the decision, as your wedding day should be about celebrating your current relationship and future together.

Inputs by Sherene Aftab, founder of Serene Hour Counselling & Career Advice Consultancy, Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist, Sir H N Reliance Foundation Hospital, Mumbai and Megha Chopra, Entrepreneur and Poet