How your attachment style shapes your romantic relationships

The psychological concept of "attachment style" has become 2025’s version of "OCD"—it’s misplaced, misunderstood, and misused in conversation, almost making it another frivolous "trendy" term thrown around for fun or an excuse to escape a confrontational situation. The truth? Attachment styles do play an integral role in the way humans form their relationships and maintain those emotional bonds. The myth? It is a compatibility test, and God forbid your styles don’t match; you’re doomed for life. So, how exactly does understanding your attachment style impact your romantic relationship? We asked the experts to break down the facts (and not the fad).

Please find attached

Coined in the 1950s by British psychiatrist John Bowlby and American psychologist Mary Ainsworth, “attachment theory” focuses on how humans form relationships and emotional bonds—i.e. how you give and receive love, handle closeness or conflict, communicate, and navigate independence. 

“An attachment style is the emotional blueprint you develop in childhood, based on how safe, seen, soothed, and secure you felt with your primary carers,” says Sohini Rohra, relationship and fertility psychologist. “This early emotional wiring influences how you connect with others in adult relationships—even friendships; parenting; and workplace relationships can be shaped by this deep-rooted emotional template.”

Know your attachment style

What social media does get right? The four main attachment styles: 

Secure attachment style

As the name suggests, these people are secure and comfortable with intimacy and independence. They know how to communicate what they need clearly and tend to trust easily.

Example: A secure partner communicates needs without fear and gives space without panic.

Anxious attachment style

Those with an anxious attachment style tend to crave closeness but fear abandonment. “They may feel easily hurt by perceived distance,” says Rohra.

Example: An anxious partner may overthink texts, fear being abandoned, or feel too much.

Avoidant attachment style

According to counselling psychologist Yesha Mehta, avoidant people tend to keep their distance and struggle with emotional vulnerability. “They value independence over intimacy and may pull away when things get too emotional or vulnerable,” adds Rohra.

Example: An avoidant partner may struggle with emotional openness. They tend to shut down or emotionally distance themselves during conflict.

Disorganised attachment style (fearful-avoidant) 

Disorganised people steer towards both anxious and avoidant tendencies—they want a connection but fear it simultaneously.

Example: Relationships feel like a tug-of-war between wanting love and fearing it.

Before you go sounding off any alarms, this theory is not set in stone. Understanding your attachment style simply allows you to reflect on past patterns that influence how you connect with others—this also allows you to work on them. “The best way to figure out and understand your attachment style in a romantic relationship is to reflect on past relationships and notice how you react to closeness and conflict, and if needed, talk to a therapist,” advises Mehta.

Important questions to ask yourself: Do you fear losing your partner? Do you struggle with expressing needs or avoiding difficult conversations? Do you feel secure in your relationship, or are you often anxious or withdrawn during conflict? “Therapy, self-reflection, and assessments from reliable sources can help bring you clarity,” adds Rohra.

It’s not a compatibility test

While the internet has made you believe otherwise, attachment theory isn’t a compatibility test that is sacrosanct to your relationship or marriage. While some pairings do work better than others, there’s no such thing as a “perfect match” and neither is any combination a recipe for disaster. “It’s all about self-awareness, communication, and effort,” says Mehta.

Breaking it down further, Rohra explains that a secure-secure pairing tends to have the healthiest dynamics, while an anxious-avoidant pairing can become a push-and-pull cycle. “One craves closeness and the other distances,” she says. “This is a common but often painful dynamic unless both partners work on their patterns.” On the other hand, an anxious-secure or an avoidant-secure can be healing, as the secure partner helps create emotional safety for the anxious or the avoidant.
“With awareness, even challenging pairings can transform into emotionally fulfilling relationships.” Simply put? If you’re willing to put in the work, the scales will automatically balance themselves out.

The importance of understanding attachment style in marriage

It’s all about awareness! Knowing your attachment style allows you to identify patterns, understand your triggers, and communicate your needs better to your partner. “It allows you to work through your insecurities, set healthy boundaries, and build stronger relationships,” says Mehta. “The more aware you are of how you show up in relationships, the more intentional you can be in creating healthier dynamics.”

What does this entail? “Less blame and more empathy,” says Rohra. When both partners are aware of their attachment styles, they stop viewing each other as the "problem" and start seeing the pattern as the real issue. “That’s when healing truly begins.”

Lead image: Deepika Padukone/Instagram

Also read: From a Jeff Bezos quote on Hinge to a palace wedding in London—this love story has it all

Also read: How to handle last-minute wedding changes from your in-laws