How to Deal With Rejection, According to a Mental Health Expert

Let's be real, all of us have faced rejection at some point. From being ostracised by the 'cool gang' at school to being shunned by a long-held crush, rejection happens to be a common yet complex occurrence in all our lives. And, while most tend to act out when faced with it, there certainly are healthier ways to process dismissal.

As you may already know, human beings are tuned to form affiliations, establish emotional connections, and foster intimate relationships that stimulate the feeling of belongingness. After all, one of man's primary needs is to form healthy, long-lasting social contact, marked by positive and consistent interpersonal relationships, founded on mutual respect for one another. Thereby, any real or imagined rejection—among siblings, peers, romantic partners, or co-workers—can significantly impact one's core social instinct. 

To help you explore the appropriate mechanism to overcome this experience, Certified Psychologist and M.Phil Scholar, Sanjoni Sethi suggests a few healthy ways to handle rejection and be resilient. 

Avoid Brooding, Begin Reflecting

Whoops, studies suggest that rejection can hurt similar to physical pain! Rejection may foster feelings of anger and create a vicious cycle of repetitive thoughts surrounding the experience of rejection, termed as rumination. Ruminating often challenges effective problem solving and activates memories of critical incidents where a person has undergone a similar experience with rejection, consequently increasing the pain caused by the current experience. 

Sanjoni Sethi recommends turning to 'reflection', to work on feelings of rejection. "Reflection allows the opportunity to identify problem areas (e.g: "My partner mentioned that I do not communicate my expectations to them") and learn to solve them more effectively. One of the essential strategies is to focus on the time and setting—since reflection is not effective immediately after a conflict—and to mentally visit the situation later on, in a different place, when one is emotionally less reactive."

Explore Your Self Concept

Rejection by a social group—peers, colleagues, or a partner—increases the need to become a member of another group, as one may undermine their self-relational value in the group. It is imperative to identify if one experiences low self-confidence that can create insecure feelings towards other relationships, being overwhelmed by rejection, and delaying recovery. In conclusion, feelings of rejection can result in emotional outbursts, behaviourally harmful acts such as coping using alcohol/substance abuse and can cognitively affect negative thoughts about oneself, the world in general, and the future. 

Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness strategies allow people to direct their attention to the present moment by focusing on their breath, bodily sensations, surroundings, and thoughts. The practice also assists a non-judgemental approach towards one's thoughts and feelings. For instance, early childhood relationships, including those with parents, peers, and teachers; and experiences of neglectful parenting or bullying, lay the ground for the development of expectations and rules in future relationships. Hence, growing up, people develop anxious expectations from certain relationships—creating a bias in judgment across relations (e.g: "If I disagree, I’ll be a misfit"). Response to rejection influenced by childhood traumatic experiences can intensify the severity of rejection.

Repeated events of rejection may also cause rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD). "Research findings indicate that people might be watchful of social cues, misinterpret them due to negative bias, and respond to rejection in an overwhelmed manner through aggressive behaviour. In such cases, mindfulness practice trains individuals to re-direct their attention into the present moment, prompts sensory awareness, and endorses self-acceptance," explains Ms Sethi. It can also assist with rejection sensitivity dysphoria, to prevent emotional outbursts. 

Learn to Self Regulate

People often deal with rejection inappropriately—by binge-watching, binge-eating, and acting passive-aggressively. However, one must adopt a healthier way to manage the emotional response triggered due to rejection. Monitoring and endorsing mindful eating, lending structure to the day, and working towards accomplishing one task at a time, are a few appropriate ways to handle rejection. Besides, physical exercise can aid the release of endorphins, happy hormones, that can uplift one's mood. The use of positive self-affirmations such as, "I am capable of handling myself independently", also helps create responsibility and allows one to take charge of their own feelings. 

Dispute Negative Automatic Thoughts

Seeking a logical explanation for real or imagined rejection can be challenging. In a parent-child relationship or a romantic alliance, people often perceive rejection by the fear of losing their significant other. This could take place due to the involvement of a third party—a sibling feeling jealous, a boss favouring another employee, or a friend attending to other peers—and ambiguous situations may perpetuate catastrophising thoughts (a cognitive error). Hence, one must gain control over and dispute negative thoughts.

By doing so, one may be able to find logical explanations to challenge the negative belief. Ask questions to oneself: "Has this happened before?" or "Could there be another reason for such behaviour that might not be due to me?" Such self-posed questions challenge the negative thoughts and the discrepancies between reality and assumptions. It allows one to re-evaluate the situation, avoid self-critical thinking, and manage assumptions (especially for imagined rejection). 

Cognitive Reframing

Negative thoughts such as, "My boss doesn't like me because he rejected my business proposal" or "She rejected my marriage proposal because I am not good enough for her", tend to float in our minds when we experience rejection. In such a scenario, it is crucial to remind oneself that these thoughts are generated due to one's current mental state—based on an event—and are most likely untrue. 

For many, rejection implies less-valued relationships and a negative perception of oneself by significant others. "Literature on rejection studies found that criticism was often construed as rejection. Personalisation is a cognitive error that most of us make, as we may be conditioned to do so. Therefore, people often personalise rejection to themselves," informs Ms Sethi. These automatic thoughts must be cognitively reframed—"My boss rejected my business proposal, not me. The criticism is feedback on my work that I need to review for potential growth".