How to navigate that ‘let’s do couples counselling’ talk with your partner 

If you're a private person or believe that relationships should just magically work, it might be difficult to approach or be a part of the tricky conversation about considering couples therapy with your partner. We know, it's not always easy. But don't worry, we have broken it down step-by-step to make it as painless as possible.

First things first, building a loving relationship is a journey, not a destination. It involves both of you committing to making the relationship thrive with a little effort and lots of healthy communication. Every relationship hits rough patches and needs a little upkeep, now and then. 

Since most of us weren't handed a playbook on how to solve relationship problems or communicate effectively, chances are, resentments can pile up if you're not careful. The longer you put off seeking help, the tougher it can be to mend things. That's where couples counselling comes in.

Picture it as calling in a seasoned pro to help you both reconnect. These therapists actually understand what happens in a relationship because they talk to real couples all the time! They know the secrets to making love last. Think of it as an investment in the future success of your relationship—totally worth considering.

Why do you need couples counselling? 

According to Heathline, Laura Louis, a licensed psychologist says, “Having a physically visible vision board can help remind you of your shared desires and goals for when you are having issues within the relationship. She advises couples to get crafty by writing down goals and collecting pictures that embody their relationship desires.”

So, take a moment to jot down your reasons for seeking counselling, making sure they revolve around enhancing the relationship rather than fixing your partner. 

Skip the blame game; it's never going to help

When your partner responds, really listen and try to understand their perspective. You might want to share some of your concerns, too, but don't fall into negative habits. Stick to your goal of positive change for both of you.

Timing is everything

Start by letting your partner know that you'd like to have an important conversation and ask about their availability. Share how much the relationship means to you and why both of you could benefit from counselling—again, avoid pointing out what your partner is doing wrong.

“I think it's best to bring up this conversation during a calm time when you're both relaxed. Approach the conversation from an "us" angle and how this will be a good thing. You might say…so I have been thinking that we've had more fights recently and there might be some tricks we could both learn to make things go better, would you be up for going to talk to someone about it?,” advices Dr Kathy Nickerson, psychologist and author, on her relationship blog. 

And, when your partner responds, really listen and try to understand their perspective. You might want to share some of your concerns, too, but don't fall into negative habits. Stick to your goal of positive change for both of you.

What does your partner actually think?

Now, let's talk about how your partner might react when you broach the subject of therapy. While society's views on therapy are evolving, it's normal for some folks to still feel a bit uneasy about it. Your partner might be grappling with feelings of embarrassment, fear of being judged, or concerns about their private life becoming public knowledge.

There's also the worry that suggesting therapy is akin to admitting defeat in the relationship or that you and the therapist might form an alliance against them. It's essential to reassure your partner that every relationship involves two individuals with their own actions and reactions. Therapy isn't about taking sides; it's about understanding each other better and finding solutions together.

When your partner hesitates but ultimately agrees to take the step towards counselling because of your request, it's a pivotal moment in your relationship journey. Handling this situation requires a deep sense of sensitivity and empathy.

According to Healthline, “Expressing gratitude and communicating what works in your relationship can help strengthen your appreciation for one another. Meagan Prost, a licensed professional clinical counsellor at Center for Heart Intelligence, says to make it a habit of expressing appreciation daily through in-person conversations, texts, or a sticky note in a place your partner will find it.”

So instead of saying “I’m legit initiating everything in our relationship, I’m the only one concerned about us, why can’t you do the same for once?”, you might want to express your gratitude by saying, "I want to thank you for being open to this, even if it's primarily for my sake. Your willingness means a lot to me, and I truly value your insights and presence in my therapy sessions."

This acknowledgment can create a safe and welcoming atmosphere, encouraging your partner to gradually embrace the counselling process. 

As your partner becomes more comfortable with the idea, they may start to realise the potential benefits of therapy for both of you. Their initial hesitation might transform into a genuine desire to actively participate and contribute to the process. In this way, your joint decision to seek counselling can evolve into a collaborative effort to strengthen and improve your relationship.

Handling a "No" Response

If your partner doesn't agree with the idea of couples therapy, it's essential to approach the situation with respect and an open mind. Instead of using a scripted dialogue, try having a genuine conversation with them. Here's how you can do it:

Start by expressing your respect for their decision and your desire to understand their perspective. You could say something like, "I sincerely want to know why you're not okay with going to a couples therapy session with me. Can you share your why with me? This is something I care deeply about, and I'd love to hear what's on your mind."

Listen attentively as they share their concerns. Give them the space to be open and honest without feeling pressured. Avoid interrupting or trying to persuade them at the time. Your goal is to genuinely comprehend their point of view.

After they've shared their concerns, reflect on what they've said. Summarise their points to ensure you've understood correctly. 

Now, here comes the crucial part: after addressing their concerns and demonstrating that you've listened, you can gently inquire about their willingness to reconsider couples therapy. You could say, "Hey, I've been thinking a lot about our recent conversation and the genuine concerns you've brought up. I truly value our relationship and want us to thrive. Would you be willing to give couples therapy another thought? I genuinely believe it could make a positive difference for both of us."

If they still decline, it's essential to respect their decision. Let them know you love and respect them, regardless of their choice. Say something like, "I want you to know that I respect your decision, and I love you, no matter what. We can take some time to think about it individually."

Remember, these conversations can take time to digest. Your partner may need a few days to reflect on the idea and may eventually change their mind. The key is to maintain open communication and ensure that both of you feel heard and respected throughout the process.

Simplifying the decision-making process

Let's get proactive and reach out to a couple of couples therapists by phone. Share a brief overview of your situation, and don't be shy to inquire about their background and expertise. It's also essential to cover details like session fees, cancellation policies, and appointment availability. Once you connect with a therapist who genuinely clicks with you, you're heading in the right direction to find the support you're seeking.

Now, what if your partner is still reluctant to give counselling a shot despite your best efforts? In such a scenario, consider taking the path of individual counselling for yourself. It can be a powerful tool to help you navigate the impact of relationship issues on your life and equip you with valuable skills for personal growth and healing.